What 2019 taught me

Updated: Dec 31, 2020

It's 31st of December and I am sat in my living room - crystals, meditation music, incense, affirmation cards and mood board by my side - without a clue as to what I want 2020 to be like.


You see, 2019 was a motherf****r of a year for me, pardon my French. It was a repetition of 2017. Anxiety, too much change, confusion, taking on a lot, crying, struggling. It feels like my worst year to date, sadly. (Catching myself here using too much negative language and feeling my inner vibration lowering.)


So how do I change my story about this last year?


I know I am not alone in thinking 2019 was tough. So let's do this together. Here are 3 questions you can use to rewrite the story.


1. What did I learn about myself?

2. What can I be grateful for?

3. What do I want to be different in 2020?


While you answer these questions for yourself, I am going to document my answers for posterity. I do this every year, this being my 4th year.


What did I learn about myself?

I learned I tend to repeat patterns, that I often lose my identity and that I need to anchor my clarity thoughts even more through journaling and documenting. So that when I feel lost, I turn to my own experiences and lessons to find answers, and I don't rely on other's people's opinions of what I should do. This gets me confused and into misaligned decisions.


I learned my main job remains taking care of my mental health. While it fills me with resentment sometimes, that I am someone who often struggles with life and its demands, I choose to accept and to love myself unconditionally and live life the best I can.


I learned that when I am super indecisive it is because I don't want to do something, but I think I should. And unfortunately, this year I only did 'shoulds' and ended up hating the journey because it wasn't truly and wholeheartedly what I wanted to do. This is a hard lesson to learn and even harder to rectify but I will make it my mission in 2020. If something doesn't feel right, it's because it is not (for me), no matter what anyone else would do if they were faced with the same situation. Not to be confused with getting outside your comfort zone, that won't feel right but it'll feel exciting in your gut. You know what I mean :)


What am I grateful for?


The main thing I am grateful for this year is my physical health. Through everything I have been through, mentally and emotionally this year, my body kept up and kept me going. No illness, no pain, no health struggles. I am full of gratitude and joy because I really do believe this is the greatest gift and the only one that truly matters in life. Funnily enough, my biggest 2019 goal was physical health. In that sense, I smashed 2019!


Another gratitude opportunity in disguise is having opened my coffee shop well&fed. This was the hardest thing I have done to date, something on my Bucket list for ages. But unfortunately a bigger task than I prepared for and quite frankly overwhelming. I am grateful for having done it, realised what is and isn't my strength , letting go of trying to do EVERYTHING myself, therefore partnering up, giving the things I am good at all my energy and having a greater chance at success and happiness.


Finally, I am eternally grateful for the people in my life. Probably my biggest reason for happiness these days is having a family that is well and healthy, a partner that, despite all the turbulence, is still by my side, friends that I can call in the middle of the night if I need help. For me, human connection, alongside health and wellbeing, remain the most important things in life. And in this respect, I am blessed.


What do I want to be different in 2020?

In 2020 I want to let go more easily of what doesn't serve me.

I want to be more true to myself and trust my own voice.

I want to remain healthy and sane.

I want to focus on what I AM GOOD at and stop trying to do it all.

I want to reignite my passion and self-empowerment and use it for the greater good.


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